Posted by: Langston T. Carr

Chances are the reason he hasn’t called you back is because he doesn’t want to talk to you. Maybe he can’t talk to you. Maybe he’s fighting lions, searching for Tupac, or composing the songs for Tyler Perry's next play, "Why Did I Give Her My Number."

Whatever the reason is, don’t hemorrhage. Don’t instant message your bestie to bitch about and moan. I’ve seen far too many of you in the act, and from what I've learned; bitching and moaning produces more bitching and moaning. The simplest, most reasonable answer is usually the right one. "He's Just Not That Into You" or if you choose to still have hope for the hopeless (people like that do still exist) maybe his phone was turned off, his grandmother passed away, or as always he could have been hit by a truck. Simple, right?

Women are so naive when it comes to interpreting male actions or inactions. We are not as difficult as Japanese arithmetic, learning the Stock Market, or hell, even worse, YOU... Odds are if we haven’t called you back, it’s because we think you’re a either too boring, you're too messy, or batshit crazy... If he says he’s “busy,” it’s because he’s “busy.” In hindsight, “busy” does not translate to “I hate you.”

Of course, there is the other hand. I’ll speak from my past experience, but the reasons I’ve “not called her back” range from the erratic to the downright selfish. I’ve not called her back because I was thoughtless or because I was cowardly. A couple of times, it was because of her expectations of what our relationship would be versus what was real, and I didn’t have the energy or the heart to painfully explain the truth of the situation, and I hoped that one day soon she’d just … disappear. Which brings me back to a post that I recently made on my Facebook page: "Most men don't lie to lie...When men lie most of the time, it's because they think the lie will get them somewhere the truth won't...Lots of women don't understand that." I’ll also confess to having been through a post-breakup, slightly cruel, deeply angry phase where I didn’t call or text back just because I could. It’s amazing how the act of love can sometimes rot and decompose into spitefulness.

Most men don't lie to lie...When men lie most of the time, it's because they think the lie will get them somewhere the truth won't...Lots of women don't understand that.

People can choose to believe whatever they feel, but the simplicity of the matter is "Dating Is A Game"...You can almost relate it to playing Chess. In dating, you’re either playing a slow mind game (continuously moving your Pawns until you can grab his Rook) or taking brave, slightly drunk leaps of faith (moving your Queen in hopes to end the game quickly). So, me let me reiterate, if he hasn't called you back yet, he’s probably busy, disturbed, not interested, or juggling life. If he’s not that into you, you’ll know it. If he’s not that into you, you probably knew it before he had a chance to not call you back.

There are plenty of reasons why he didn’t call you back, text you back, Facebook, Twitter, or email. But there’s usually only one reason why he does call you back: because he is interested. And that’s a 110 percent true fact. That interest can range from a varity of many different things. He could see that you have something going for yourself; He could see that you are just like his mamma; but then there's alway the interest of possibly just finding a place to park his car. Well, I mean, he definitely does want to, but that’s not the entire equation. Calling you back is different than desperately sweating you at a bar like a horny toad. Remember that dudes are not complicated. We’re pretty two-fold when it comes to this stuff; it’s either game on or game off.

We call you back because we see something in you that we like. That’s what men do. When we meet someone who smiles like Megan Good, walks like Beyonce, has the poise of Stacey Dash, and the "take no shit" personality of Lisa Raye, it is our manly responsibility to woo you. Steal her heart at all costs. Call her back and ask her about her day. Text her sweet nothings. Email her witty, casual regards. Read her Facebook & Twitters post, absorb her brain, find out some things about her that she did not tell you personally. To be clear, when the game is on, we play like Michael Jordan in the 4th Quarter of the 1996 Playoffs! For those of you who are still unclear about the meaning of that, simply put, we play to win!

Of course, sometimes brothas can come off... a bit too eager. We can call and text a little too much. Or say and text the wrong things. For instance, hypothetically speaking, we can get drunk and transform into a horrid Brian McKnight/Dwele type and drop multiple, overly affectionate texts. Not obscene, or inappropriate… but emotional... and slightly desperate. This can happen. Or so I’ve heard. When this does happen maybe y’all are like, “Whoa, ummm... This guy is weird. We’ve only been on two dates.” This is when you should remember all those times WE didn’t call YOU back!

BTW, I'm glad I've found my #MeganGoodBeyonceStaceyDashLisaRaye prototype... Wait, I said that wrong... If they were all combined, they still wouldn't meet her prototype.

Posted by: Langston T. Carr
An e-mail here, a smile there. Maybe that "innocent" friendship with your guy or girl friend isn't so innocent after all... This is normally how social affairs begin. Some people refer to them as emotional affairs, but I tend to think that it is far from an emotional affair.

Social affairs have been prevalent in several of the couples I’ve associated with over the years. More often than not, one partner begins to question a particular relationship the other partner is having with someone else and inevitably I will hear some variation of the response, “We’re just friends.” I still find myself surprised by how often I hear this line.

It’s not at all uncommon for this line to be followed up with some type of attempt to reassure the partner that s/he has nothing to worry about either because they don’t find that person “remotely attractive”, the other person’s married, or they will swear they would never do anything to harm this relationship. (Does this sound at all familiar to those of you who have been cheated on already?)

Just like sexual affairs, social affairs start with two people connecting more frequently with one another through jokes, e-mails, and conversations. As they begin to feel more comfortable with one another, they increase their level of conversations. Gradually they begin to have deeper conversations--co-commiserating about bad days/marriages/events etc.

Before long a friendship is formed and both people are turning to each other for support rather than turning to their significant other. This person doesn’t “nag”, wall-off or dismiss what the person says so it’s a much easier conversation to have. If they work together--even better, now they both can commiserate about their job.

Social affairs are very tempting because they feel “safe” at first. It’s nice to have someone to talk to about your problems who won’t hold you accountable for your behavior at home. Who wouldn’t like that? I believe it’s pretty safe to say there are times when your partner would like that also.

What we all need to remember however, is if this person were our romantic partner, chances are s/he would respond the exact same way our partner does when we’re not being very relational or working all hours of the day and night. The only difference is the person you’re commiserating with hasn’t had to live with you for years and is enthralled with your attention. Trust me, that will wear off--it always does.

So, if you find yourself talking more and more to a colleague at work or a “friend” of the opposite sex, don’t kid yourself, you are putting your relationship in jeopardy no matter how you justify it. Social affairs are similar to sexual affairs in many ways, and often they turn into sexual affairs. As I’ve said before, few people go into affairs with the intention of having one...social affairs are no different.

The only way to safe guard your relationship from affairs is to stay away from them at all costs—emotional and sexual.
If you are talking to someone, other than your partner about difficulties in your relationship, struggles in your life, or stressors in general, then you are either in an social affair or walking into one. Stop, turn the other way, and face your partner. Find a way to talk to your partner about what you keep going to this other person about. In the end, it feels better walking in integrity than not--no matter what the circumstances.

Challenge: If there’s someone you’ve been confiding in about your relationship or life in general, stop and take a moment to figure out what’s going on. How are you justifying this relationship to yourself? If your partner were doing the same thing would that be okay with you? Find a way to get support from your partner. If it’s the relationship you need support about, go to the source and talk about what changes you need…but, then again, these are just “My Thoughts” I’m curious to know of yours… How do you stop from being too cordial?

 

Posted by: Langston T. Carr

WARNING, DO NOT READ IF YOU GET EASILY OFFENDED. THIS BLOG IS NOT FOR YOU, IT IS FOR THE OPEN MINDED ONLY.
This blog is in response to a recent Facebook post regarding racisim. If you are not my friend on Facebook, I encourage you to become one. "Real Life, Real People, Real Discussions...” www.Facebook.com/Langston.carr

I know I may loose some readers with this one, but these are just "MY THOUGHTS" and I will speak them as clearly as I know how... I honestly was thinking just the other day that we should stop teaching our people about our negative history rather it be black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Indian, whatever race it may be. As crazy and ironic as this may sound, I’m being truthful with the honesty of my comment. If you think about it, children grow up innocent. Their thoughts are inspired by their peers. Their peers are inspired by their elders. Our elders grew up in the time of “DEFINED” racism. I say “DEFINED” because then, racism was very blatant and easily identified (from slavery to segregated schools, restrooms, jobs, etc. -- Hence the creation of the Title VI & Title VII Act of 1964) Now a days, it's not so easily seen even though it still exist, it’s more so underlined, but due to that very reason you have people constantly throwing the "RACE CARD" like it’s a big joker while playing spades everywhere you go. "That bus didn't stop for me because I'm black," nah... the real reason that the bus didn't stop for you was because you were late (we've all seen examples of such things)... It’s just like the "I'm a single mother" sob story; (keep in mind that this is not refering to all single mothers, just the single mother who has lacked any effort of trying to do anything to improve her situation and is continuing to do the same things that got her into the situation at hand.) no offense to those who are, but it’s sort of getting to be like the little boy that cried wolf. Every single parent rather male or female doesn’t want your sympathy…most only your acceptance and understanding. But when you have those people who are abusing the welfare system and accepting W.I.C. program assistance, however they aren’t truly doing anything for themselves, it makes things more difficult for those people who are actually trying to make things better. Its like the saying goes, "The more things change, the more they remain the same." Interpretation -- 'there is nothing new under the sun’, except that it’s more paradoxical. The one thing that we can be sure of, the only thing that is consistent in life, is that nothing is permanent. People have to realize now that the world doesn’t owe anything to anyone! There is no doubt in my mind that racism still exists - and NOW it's even more prevalent with reverse racism, but my question to you is can we control racism?

(Speaking to my African-American Community here) What problem do you see a problem with a black man walking the suburban streets dapping it up with his boys with a T-Shirt on that says, "Nigga Please" Probably nothing... And you may even chuckle because you've wanted to say that all day long... But then his entire conversation goes as follows:

"My Nigga, I went to this nigga crib cuz HE asked ME to pick HIM up and that nigga wasn't even there! I was like NIGGAAAAA... YOU CALLED ME!!! Now a Nigga running low on fumes and a Nigga was late to work all because I was waiting on this Nigga!!! Boy I tell ya... NIGGAS JUST DON'T WANNA DO RIGHT!" 

...There is a major issue with this situation... Prime example, let a black guy have a white friend and they both listen to rap regularly... Most likely, the word NIGGA is going to slip out of his mouth and then, it becomes a front page cover story with Rev. Al Sharpton leading the way... Personally, I've been victom of this scene, however, I overlooked it and the person who did the saying noticed and stopped doing it. But it made me sit back and think to myself, "If I want them to stop using the word, then maybe I should too..." But unfortunately most people do not see things in the same fashion. How many women do you know that are scorned because a black man decided to marry a person of the opposite race? Preferbly a white woman... What's your true reason? Last time I checked, love held no barriers. Move on!!! It's time to stop reminiscing on past experience and look towards a brighter day. More than half of the African American race that I know of whom are alive in this world today have no idea of rather their ancestors were slaves or not. On top of that, when it comes to our very own people, no one is quick to give a solution to racism, however, everyone is quick to contribute.

I am a proud son of my father and mother, husband to my wife, and brother to my sister (whom all happen to be African-American) but what does the race truly mean in today’s time? What does being taught about what happened in 1887-1964 truly do for us in today’s society other than make us angrier than what we already were? Some of you may read this and think that I'm being crazy or even drastic for saying this, but I want you to truly think about it... I just recently asked a young lady would removing the history of hatred from our schools be good for the childrens future and she replied "NO" but when asked why, her comment was "because we need to know our heritage", and thats a good reason.....but what was the meaning behind the answer as it pretained to the question asked? And if our children continue to learn about our "negative heritage" they will continue to hold an empty spot somewhere in their hearts for one race or the other, maybe even their own... I don't consider myself to be racist in any form, however, their are certain tools that I've been taught to remain from, certain groups of people that I've been taught that don't like me, and certain levels that I may not be able to reach because of the color of our skin, and that same group that you've been taught to remain from is more than likely holding up their guards against you just as well because of what their elders tell them.

Learning starts at an early age, however, entrenchment is established thru growth...

“STOP EMBEDDING OUR YOUTH WITH RACISM! AND START BY NOT TEACHING THEM TODAY!”

I'm all for being noticed. I enjoy the attention of man. I smile when I receive the compliment of a stranger, but I cannot stand the "Inspection" I have received one too many times from the men I have dated.

It all started with a genuine compliment. “I had a really good time tonight, and you look beautiful,” he said. “Thank you,” I said. He is gently rubbing my hand and I'm in heaven. I can tell he likes what he sees.... He then takes my hand, grabs a finger pulling it to his face for a closer look. "Ummm you don't bite your nails do you?" "Noooo," I said. "Good, I like long nails, like my momma's" He informs me. Oh I great I'm thinking he has an Oedipus complex....But in response, I just smile and nod. He then grabs my feet to give them a look as well. No response... I can't tell if they passed or not. Wait!!! Why do I care?? I said yes to a date NOT an inspection/invasion. Does he have any idea that the "Date" we just went on may have cost him $45 for dinner but the preparation cost me $100 including the $40 mani-pedi I got at the bougie Fu-fu salon I went to. So he better put a lid on it.

"So how long have you had short hair?" he asks. Now wait just a minute is he serious? Calm down, I tell myself maybe he's just really into aesthetics. "Ohh on and off for the past few years, I said.”It looks good on you, but have you thought about growing it out long?" Oh snap!! He went there! "Umm actually, I have but I just think I look better with Halle Berry cut." Now I'm getting pissed. Just plain rude. Is he looking for my flaws? I feel like a slab of meat packaged to be labeled as Grade A but apparently I’m getting a Grade B.

I get the obsession men have with feet but really?? Do you have to pawn over me to decide if my features meet your standards? Attraction is mutual and I already know that if I were to remove his shoes the picture wouldn’t be pretty.

Why do so many men think this practice is okay? If feet, hair and nails are important to you fine… but please use a censor. By now you are probably thinking, she must have jacked up feet? Absolutely not! But I do want a man with some class and not so superficial. On the flip side I have my own standards I just don’t announce them to every guy I date. Either you have them or you don’t! Maybe the airbrushed and digitally enhanced images on TV have jaded reality for most men. Maybe inspections like the one I got is what drive women to try and be that “reality.” Meanwhile, beautiful women have to drown themselves in 12 inches of Indian Hair, Mac-Glossed lips, semi-permanent eye lashes, body magic squeezed under their Baby Phat dress all because of what’s on TV.

As the night progressed, I lost interest in the conversation. He continued rambling off the things he likes in a woman meanwhile I’m making my own list:

I am educated, gainfully employed, earning above average salary, working on Master’s degree, no kids, own place, driven, I can bake the perfect Bundt, beat you in poker and in the privacy of my home with a desirable date, I have been known to do a little “rain dancing”…But you are concerned about my hair and nails? As much as I think I like this guy his assessment has turned me off. Just as I am about to shut him down he looks at me and says, “I can tell I’m going to have to work hard to keep you.” Really, I ask? Why do you say that? “You’re different than other women….and I like it.” Wow, I didn’t see that coming. Hold Up Time out! Did I miss something? I thought I was just being examined and compared to his Momma and all those other women. But what if I assumed the worst? Maybe he just pays attention to detail? Maybe he admires his mother…maybe I should let the little things go...just maybe….I decide to accept his invitation for another date. One week later and its date night. I’m back at the mall. New Dress-Check! Hair done- Check. Mani-Pedi…..Check!! (Just in case the maybe’s turn into yes’s.)
 

Posted by: Lafal Norris (guestblogger)

Let’s talk about everything under sun. God gives us illuminating wisdom in Ecclesiastes. What is your undiscovered Revelation for 2010. This is a blog for all the people that will live the “GOOD LIFE” this New Year. Change is inevitable, but can you force change. Should we take one day and say we are going to do something we should have been doing all year. Do you have the Revelation for the plan to execute maximum change with minimum preparation? Is it your purpose or are you wasting time? New Year’s resolutions are not my favorite, but I got a solution I want a fresh Revelation for a new life plan.

A revelation is a striking disclosure, as of something not previously known or realized, manifestation of divinity. A resolution is the result of this a resolving, or determining; deciding. We cannot have a result without revelation. Can you stop smoking if you don’t really know why you should? Should you fall in love with someone? When your purpose might come in your singleness? Can you lose weight when you really don’t know how or why? It’s great to be motivated because of a New Year of life. It’s a blessing. But I just want to live mine to the fullest. I need God to unveil some things. What is your Revelation for 2010? It can be manifested! Happy New Year’s!